Work And Chloe

No, I ain't got paragraphs to lay out about work. Found a bunch more leads today, resumes went out to at least 8 more people, follow up calls are happening too. I will not hate myself at the end of the month for not trying at least, no matter what the outcome is....

Chloe is making the funniest noises latey, it must be what the doctors were calling "cooing". I can't wait to hear her speak something ledgible, she is such a cutie. My goodness, it kills me how fast she is growing right now. I thought it would be a subtle thing, and all of a sudden, she'd just be 16 and I'd wonder where the time went. its only been 3 months and I see pics and already say, she was so tiny then. She has entered the phase of hating us when we lay her down, she can't stand it, she loves to be upright, and preferrably watching the national news for some reason which I have no clue why...

Tuesdays are way better than Mondays

I look back at how many bad Mondays I have, and wow, that ain't my day apparently.

Keeping my fingers crossed for a call back today from a few people. Please call fellas, don't make me call you again!

Feels rather strange to be packing up the office, finding all the thing round in little corners and whatnot, giving those suttle reminders of a time that has long passed; reminders of a day when you knew you were able to make a difference. Its too bad having to see it end, but unlike weeks ago, when letting go was difficult, that is no more. The empty walls, empty "My Documents" Folder, and empty desk drawers all tell the story and its bittersweet end. Letting go is easy now. What I look forward to now is ending up at the new job (whatever that may be), and to have those feelings like I did when I was CAD Operator under Bonzai's wing. Full of abmition, and with a clear sight on what I can do to make a difference. The ideas flowed, and people listened, even if they weren't good ideas sometimes. It was a good time in what I now call the "Golden Era." Some day soon, that will be mine again. I can't wait!

Bonzai, called your guy at HRU, but can't seem to get a call back, I'm gonna keep on trying...

Chloe once again sent Tracy into a swearing fit as she awakened nearing 3:30 this morning. All things being equal, that was the first time she had woke up since 10pm, I considered that pretty good. Tracy don't wake up well. She's gonna have to learn that waking up angry with Chloe ain't gonna make it any easier. She can read that stuff...

Getting very nice weather up here this week, going to be near 65 today, sunny as well. Those first signs of Spring reminding me that all of my lawn equipment is broken, an I need to fix it. Shit, its only money....

Monday Morning Once Again

Tommy's back at work, finally I can see someone at work that I don't wanna scorn! Woo-Hoo!

The meeting Friday was was a cautiously optimistic thing for me. Took the placement tests, told them my intentions, and all I can do is be hopeful that something good can come outo fo it. One thing I have learned out of this is to keep tugging at the wires till an offer lands. That all I can do, and I am doing well staying focused on that very thing. More calls to people this morning afternoon, follow-up day.

Chloe was quite the headache yesterday. She had a complete meltdown at my brothers place. Guess there was too much commotion, and she had a bit of an overlaods from it, poor little thing. But hey, thats all stuff she's going to have to get used to. Noise and commotion is what most of the world is full of.

Today is the day I will explain whats going on about work to Tracy's Dad, he's gonna have a complete meltdown from it I bet. But after his 10 mintues of WTF!, he'll be supportive.

Robert Half Finally Reaches Me

...They want to meet up Friday in Grand Rapids, at their office

Finally, what feels like some solid progress.

Finally, something encouraging, might not be the answer, but at least its some progress from the past couple of days staring blankly at the inbox, wondering if I hit the Send/Receive button one more time, then something will be there.

I am really excited. This feels good.

The final word...

All I really wanted was a yes or no, as to doing just purchasing. But no, they had to go and waste well over 3 hours of my time (not their time) in rationale. It is funny, because the more they try to explain why they had to do it, the more I realize that it had nothing to do with me. Most of it went in one ear, out the other for me. I just couldn't care less about why they made their choice.

It didn't pass by Tracy as well though, she really hates Pro-Tec, much like what Bonzai said earlier, there was a golden era in this place, when people pulled together towards common goals. All that is left now in the abyssmal absence of Frank is conflicting agendas being run by what I could condider the worst communicators even found in recent history.

Feelings like the "pit-in-the-stomach" just weren't present when I went in there. Tom asked me the question if I am ready to make the big decision, I can now say YES. The goal is clear, and I have a lot riding on it. You can't be sure of anything, but I do know that I have a really good tendency to land square on my feet in times like these, but a little "light at the end of the tunnel" sure would help secure those thoughts.

Oh yeah, they said "no" if you didnt figure that one out, duh....

So, I Have The Meeting. . .

...and even though it leaves a pit in my stomach, the result does not appear to be any different. I really wasn't expecting a change in their choice, but somewhere deep down, this will at least get all the "what if's" out of my system, and give me some closure. The '3-headed dragon' meets up now, and I don't expect much difference, being that they are the ones that feel the most bitter about me.

Things just unravel the way they need to, and sometimes, although they make no sense at all right now, they ended up the way for a good reason. I will always rememebr that.

Every Day Feels Like Monday, Bout 8:15 am...

When Bill asked a few days ago, "what size is the hard drive in the server," I realized that he had no idea that it is running RAID-5. So the dumb question I had to ask was, have you ever run RAID-5 before. A "no" followed shortly after, and I had to mention to him that he really might wanna get a grasp on that, as much as the backup program. They are both just as important, the RAID even more becuase it could stop everything on a dime. But hey, I guess all that self-training paid off, I am I am pretty proud of myself for figuring it out myself, and watching everyone else scratch their heads. Once again, suckas.....

Was watching MTV Spring Break on TV over the weekend, and it made me feel so jealous that I couldn't be one of those 19 years olds (21 if the cops ask...) As Chloe sat on my lap and stared as blankly at the TV as I did, I realized how 10 years can change things. For the better, but nonetheless, different. I bet if I was down there today, and didn't appear as a 31 year old narc, they'd call me "Terry the Tank!" as I would become the beer-bong king!

Oh well, gotta let go of that too, your only "visibly' young once, after the adolescence, you have to be young at heart, and I am damn good at that at least.

Today's the day I sit down with Frank, and ask why I couldn't do just Purchasing, and they already cancelled the lunch I wanted them to round up for, ain't expecting any amazing revelations from this round up, they are forcing me to have in his office later... Gotta stay the course and keep pushing those resumes out. Time is still of the essence.

IT work is haunting them already...

Just noticed in the PO book that they paid for a 6-axis controller card for the burn table, and I know for a fact that it won't fix it. they have an OS problem on the Navigator, its too bad for them that I have a $200 dollar solution that would fixed it, but instead, they spent $2000, and already found that it didn't work.. Suckas...

It's Monday again, oh joy...

Yup, but it is suprising well for a Monday. Usually, there is a gang of people waiting at my desk waiting to bonk me in the head with their gripes, but nope, today was quiet. Maybe they are waiting to surprise me at lunch or somethin.... Oh well..

Tommy's on Vacation again this week, this time to Mexico. Makes me think about how I have robbed Tracy and I of a good vacation for well over 3 years now. Damn, we never even got to take a honeymoon anywhere. That really sucks. The first year, it was beacause of the court problems lingering over my head, then it was Chloe, now this job thing. Granted, a vacation can be as simple as getting out of town for a weekend, and can be merely miles away instead of thousands of miles; but we are so sick of being in this town, we need to get way out of this state, and if I have my way, to a warm island, with a cool frosty cocktail in hand! I need a beach really bad. This state sucks. Oh look its March and we have flurries, go figure....

Tommy better have some good stories when he gets back. I need to keep living vicariously through him till I can get my shit straight...

Tracy is coming to get me for lunch

And shes bringing Chloe out too, this is a refreshing change today. What did really crack me up was that she asked if she could go up to Dale if she had any eye contact with him, and say "Fu** you you fu**ing piece of Sh**!" God I love that lady, but I hope she call earmuffs before Chloe hears it! I just kill myself sometimes...

Okay I am off the pity-pot now...

Good God, it is funny to think that I tell myself that I don't have mood swings sometimes, and when you see it on paper, boy am I full of shit when I say I don't.... Wow.

I did do one thing yesterday, which may be pointless, but will satisfy my curiosity at last when it comes to this shithole office. Tuesday I am supposed to meet with Frank, and I have only one 'why' left to ask, which Dale half-heartedly answered when I got confronted at first.

"Why wouldn't you keep me in Purchasing, I had no problems there, and when I had issues, they were almost always about IT?"

When they only added about $50/week to do it, who wouldn't be?

Bonzai told me to never do it unless they established a rate and position first, but not me, I tried the grandfathered way in, and then tried to get money after the fact. Dumb move on my behalf, props to TC again, he saw that one comin a mile away...

Wifey has the funniest way about handling the wake-ups in the middle of the night. She has given up on the debate as to who has done it less and should to get up, now it's just loud angry swearing till I get up and do it. NEVER make eye contact, she'll only swear more.... I don't mind and never swear back, the little grin from Chloe makes it all good.... She will make us into morning people some day, oh yes, she will convert us....

Even though I spend paragraphs upon paragraphs bitching about Pro-Tec, just like I would of years ago as Bonzai would remember, now when I get home and see Chloe, The whole day I had, just ends. The real part of living begins. It is a refreshing change from the old me. She doesn't give a rats ass what people are doing to me at work, she just wants the comfort of seeing her parents, and knowing that she's loved.

And TC, I took the first part of my practice exam for the MCP test last night at home, the sights are on the MCSA, not on failing. Way to balance me out, again, as I need every now and then

Its Just A Plain Bad Day...

It is one of thsoe days when I just dont feel very competent in what I do for a living. Most likely I am sitting the pity-pot at this point, but when you get so few responses from so many people that you send applications to, it is hard to not feel as if your talents are hardly needed. I imagine all the types of people that are applying for this stuff alongside me; they are tenured veterans, probably with twice the experience if not more than me, and I think they are just going to be beating down my door. It is not realistic, and I hope that I am not being overconfident of myself.

Tracy and I talked this morning about the job stuff, and eve though she is trying to be encouraging, I can't help but feel like I have just screwed myself. I feel as if I am putting the entire family's wellbeing in jeopardy, which I have, no matter how much of it is my fault or not.

I have been putting off this MCP certification test for so long, and for no other reason but me being test-phobic. After all the times I failed Calc exams, I have never been able to get past the fear of failing tests now. I have got to get that first exam out of the way, and more importantly, pass it.

Must be entering the Bargaining Phase of coping. I don't like bargaining. I get these feelings of trying to find ways to mend things with Pro-Tec, not that there is any feasible way to do that, Dale made himself pretty clear when we first talked about this.

The tough question is: "If this whole situation implodes on me, no job offers at the end of April, do you go and beg to Dale and Frank?" Every bone in my body writhes at the thought of that, but its the family that has to come first. Or would something like that be pointless, and they would never change their minds anyways...

More On My Stages Of Coping

Denial
Covered at this point I have come to grips with it....

Anger
I am definately here! Now it sinks in how little they valued what I did, and what I was offering to do.

Bargaining
I think there is nothing to bargain on in this situation, this step is going to be omitted, the only deals I'll be making with myself, is how long I can last without a job, and still be financially okay. There will be no "If I did things differently" thoughts at this point. I regret the situation, but from a bad circumstance may come something better, juts like the "phoenix from the ashes" reference I love to make.

Depression
I fear the family may not know how to deal with this when it hits. Very concerned about this phase.

Acceptance
I will have this when I have new work. Then I'll be able to accept that everything I have worked for won't be lost.

So, I get a 'theoretical' bonus check

... and its about a third of what it was last year. So basically, I got screwed out of anything that I DESERVED from last year. I think back to all the arguing and all-out fighting I did for this thankless company, and that's how they repaid me. And so Dale tells me that some people didn't think I deserve anything. I think those people need to have a word with me about that, and I'll let them know whay I deserved more thean they did this year. Saved this place over $1.5 Million from the posted transaction prices, last year alone. Thats how they say "thanks, you really worked hard, and we appreciate it." And the best part is that they won't even give me the check until they know I am leaving, and have been whatever their version of a 'good boy' is. Being that they never provided the conditions for this check to be given to me, it is highly unlikely that they will give it to me anyways, so I really shouldn't hold much hope on that. It will be their last 'we got you.', and what the hell, why not. If it makes them feel better, that's what matters I guess...

Of course the odds of me providing any awareness of problems that they should be aware of in Purchasing or computers is pretty bad now too. They ain't getting shit out of me.

Hey Tommy, at least Dale said about you "Tommy has quite a promising future."

It is starting to make me wonder if I really should have Frank as a reference. Maybe he is far more bitter about this than I thought. And I can't use Dale, just listen to him talk crap about peeople that are no more than 15 feet away from him, and you know he is unreliable for providing good feedback to nearly nobody.

If the theory is true, that Frank is even more bitter about this than the other 2 heads of the "Dragon," perhaps the good faith I held in not going to EPI, is misplaced.

IT shit

Hillary is coming in today to get a grasp on wht needs to be done, to what used to be the network I built from the ground up. It makes me wanna cry almost, but that ain't gonna happen here. All they are getting is a smile, and any answers they want.

I think the anger phase is kicking in, this stuff is going to frustrate me, but I have to be a bigger guy than that...

It makes me sad to think of all the things I wanted to do, and had plans for, but could never get anyone to let them happen. Now that people are in place that match 'their agenda' now they probably can pull it all off, and they sure will look like heroes...

I guess what is important here is that someone, no matter who it is, got to make that it happen for Pro-Tec.

Tuesday Still..

Got the last version of the resume done today, and it feels good to have that off my back, one less thing that isnt waiting on me.

Have it sent out on 2 recruiter sites, we'll just have to wait and see what turns up, one more recruiter to deal with tomorrow too. I hope something promising turns up, that will at least keep me in the same payscale as I already am. That would make Tracy so happy, she is so concerned about losing everything we have achieved in the last 2 years. All I gotta do is keep my optimism up, and the sights high, I bet something promising will happen. I'm finding the faith that I haven't had all weekend....

Kaz found out that they intend to put some cohorts from the other company in to cover purchasing, not too surprising. Sounds more and more like this had less to do with my civil disobedience, and more like department consolidation.

Bill is already finding out more about the IT stuff, it appears that he will be in charge of that part until they have a permanent solution. If you were to see the look on his face when we talk about it, you can tell he is stretched way to thin in this place, what the hell is Frank thinking when he puts Bill through all of this?

Franks approach sure has changed since a coupe of years ago. This exit strategy is a pretty one.

Its Only Tuesday, Shit...

Good day yesterday, made a lot of progress, and rebuilt a little self-confidence. The hardest part about getting shitcanned like this is managing to get back on the horse and ride. Self-confidence is probably the most key thing to successful interviews, and sometimes it is is less than lacking in me.

My buddy Bonzai has been such a good resource in getting leads together. No matter how bleak things may feel, he always manages to make me feel like I am back in control. Just talking to him gives me the subtle reminder of a time when I was making a difference at my job. It was years ago, but it was a great time. It reminds me that when I wonder if I am just screwed in the head sometimes, getting myself into this position I am in, that it wasnt me that changed, this place changed, and Bonzai is my reminder of that. I was so successful then. Without the support of your leaders, you will suffer a stagnate existence. Do your leaders really support you?

I really don't mean this in a bad way, but I cant wait till Chloe sleeps more than 4 hours at a time. Lack of sleep is really getting to me. But I'll keep on smiling, what else can I do... When she smiles at me in the morning, proving that she is the only morning person in the household, how can I not smile back! I am dying to hear what her voice sounds like, the grunts, and yells are one thing, but the anticipation of getting to hear her say daddy for the first time is killing me

Got to get the resume revised this morning, saw a few descreptancies in it yesterday.

No, Tracy, I am not going to sell my car, just because I may not have a job in 2 months! Saving a hundred dollars a month isnt going to put a scratch in the thousands of dollars missing if theres no check coming in. But in a month and a half, I'll revisit that thought.... Am I humble this week, yes. Am I going to lose all my stubbornness, I DON'T THINK SO!

Suffering through the weekend

5 Stages Of Coping When You Get Shitcanned

Denial, this stage seems to be the current, I really dont think this has all sank in to me sometimes. Sometimes I keep thinking that Dale will reconsider this. But anyone who has met that snapperhead for over 5 mintues knows that will never happen. And more importantly, I dont want this to go back, the situation will never be different when he is in charge. The underlings will be neglected under his wing till they are a problem, and hurt his specific cause. That is now way I want to keep working. With the suppression of any creativity I have from Dale over the past 2 years shows that He would have never offered any creative control to me anyways, we were juts at an impass. Another thing I have to rememebr is that i waited, not just a month or so and got pissed off about it, I waited 2 years. Sometimes through this I wonder what I should have done differently? What 1 thing should I have not done to prevent this situation? If you were to ask Dale and Frank that, it would have been simple, I am not acting like management and not working with them, I am putting people up in arms about things, and that no way to run an organization. What I need to remember here is that they listen to little if any feedback, and even if it is constructive and useful, it will seldom if ever be utilized, because it isn't part of their agenda.

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

Acceptance

The Day After

I can not even believe what has transpired over the last 24 hours. Pro-Tec has requested my resignation, of sorts. They have been kind enough to let me stay till I can find something, my trust in them is the lacking as typical.

TRacy is so frustrated with me, and I can't blame her. We got so far in the last 2 years, gettting back so much we lost. A house, no legal issues, and now this. I feel as if I am cursed sometimes. It feels like every time I find a comfortable time in my life, it gets all turned upside down all over again. Tracy has a good point when she says that "she puts up with her school, and really hates that place." Why can't I? It is a good question I am not sure if I can answer for her right now. I hope to soon.

One thing I do know for sure, no matter what Dale claims is the problem, and from his perspective its all me, I know for certain, that it lies in him too. For him to find himself not partially accountable for this deparaging event makes him an ignorant ass. I wish he realized that. He never will, due to the fact that he only is concerned with his own agenda, which by the way has no alignment with anyone else at Pro-Tec besides himself, Ron, and Frank. Him and Ron will never possess the communication skills it will take to allow Pro-Tec to succeed without Frank. And when that void needs filling in the next 3-5 years, GME will take care of it. In 5 years, I will check back with the remnants of what I used to know and enjoy about this place and see how it worked out.

Every now and then, I get a good vibe, and know I am right. The vibe right now is that I need to take a new leap of faith and get involved full time in IT. It makes perfect sense, and like the first week I sat at Pro-Tec doing CAD, I remember how scared I was, and not knowing if I would be able to do it. Thats the feeling I will soon have somewhere else. I know it.

I am going to come out of this fine.
I just wish my family didn't have to feel so scared about the uncertainty.

I must make this transition fast, for my family, I owe it to them , and love them so much, I cant bear to see them hurt like this.